The Funeral Parlor
The Funeral Parlor
It was a warm, summer morning when Jake's mom came in to wake him up and change his diaper.
Katherine: OH JAAAAKE.....wakey, wakey. Time for momma to change your wet diaper for the last time.
Jake: (waking up and rolling over as his mom throws the covers over)
But, But, but mom! Do you really have to.....throw me away like this????
But, But, but mom! Do you really have to.....throw me away like this????
Katherine: Yes baby, the funeral home was the only place that agreed to take you. No one else wants you. They all say that you are too old, no one wants a 19 year old still in diapers, and the state said that to dispose of you and your stuff, call around to the funeral homes and see which one will take you. They gave me a list of 4 funeral homes to call and the 4th one accepted you. I paid them $1500 cash yesterday and the man who works there, said that I need to bring you there today as early as possible so that he can get started on preparing you for your disposal.
Now, I want you in as thick a diaper as I can get you in so that by the time I take you and all of your stuff there, your diaper will be at least wet enough to warrant changing.
The man said that it didn't matter if your diaper is wet or not when I bring you. So, just to make sure you are as comfy as possible, I am going to add 8 of the Northshore Care Supply booster pads and then six of your toddler sized cloth diapers into your Northshore Care Supply Supreme Overnight Diaper. Then, you will wear this old, stained up white onesie bodysuit and then this pair of plastic lined cargo shorts and your black tennis shoes.
Now, I want you in as thick a diaper as I can get you in so that by the time I take you and all of your stuff there, your diaper will be at least wet enough to warrant changing.
The man said that it didn't matter if your diaper is wet or not when I bring you. So, just to make sure you are as comfy as possible, I am going to add 8 of the Northshore Care Supply booster pads and then six of your toddler sized cloth diapers into your Northshore Care Supply Supreme Overnight Diaper. Then, you will wear this old, stained up white onesie bodysuit and then this pair of plastic lined cargo shorts and your black tennis shoes.
As Katherine finished getting Jake dressed, she loaded Jake's two diaper bags, one with clean Northshore Care Supply Supreme Overnight Diapers, wipes, baby powder and baby lotion, then the second diaper bag with clean and folded toddler sized cloth diapers, snappie diaper fasteners, two pair of plastic pants and two pair of clean white onesie bodysuits before loading up the 2008 Chevy Suburban with all of Jake's diapers, clothing and a few toys, and then she slang the two diaper bags over both shoulders and then escorted Jake out to the backseat to buckle him in for the final ride to the funeral home.
As Katherine drives to the funeral home, she tells Jake that the funeral home will have custody of him and that he is there to be disposed of along with all of his diapers.
As Katherine drives to the funeral home, she tells Jake that the funeral home will have custody of him and that he is there to be disposed of along with all of his diapers.
Katherine: ( Looking in the rearview mirror at Jake) hon? Once I drop you off there at this funeral home, they will essentially own you! They will decide what to do with you and all of your clothing and diapers.
Jake: How come you don't want me mommy?
Katherine: Well, I can't afford to diaper you any longer and I would have hoped that you would have grown out of diapers by now. Since no one at the state level wants to take care of a 19 year old diapered person, they told me to just go ahead and drop you off at this funeral home. This guy on the phone promised he would be able to dispose of you.
Jake: How far are we away from this....place you are taking me to???
Katherine: Oh.....not far now. We are almost there.
Katherine turns right and drives to the middle of the block and then turns into a small driveway behind a hearse and parks.
Katherine: O....K Jake.....I am going to take you and your two diaper bags inside first and then I will bring all of your diapers and clothing in after that. Ready?
Jake: NOOO! MOOOOOMY! NOOOO! Please don't leave me here!
Katherine: Sorry Jake, this is the way things have to be done I'm afraid.
Katherine opens Jake's door and umbuckles him from the seatbelts and helps him out of the SUV. Jake's thick diapers are crinkling loudly as he walks. Five of the six layered cloth diapers inside his thick Northshore Care Supply Supreme Overnight Diaper
are wet now and getting wetter and wetter by the second as Jake is scared to be left here not knowing what is going to happen to him. Katherine walks Jake up to the back door and she knocks then waits for a few minutes until a man came and opened the door. The man held the door open for the two as they walked in. Just inside this room, there were four large sized crib-like beds with green mattresses in them, and the crib-like beds had locking, stainless steel bars that lowered down and locked. Jake looked harder and saw a bunch of open, wet disposable diapers and some scrunched up formerly wet cloth diapers still inside each of the crib-like beds. The man and Jake's mom walked over to a stainless steel table with a bright examination light over it and started talking about Jake and as they spoke, Jake's mom signed Jake's custody over to the man. The man also signed the papers accepting the custody and then Jake's mom told the man at the funeral parlor that she had more of his diapers, clothing, a playpen and a homemade sock monkey with a diaper on it.
are wet now and getting wetter and wetter by the second as Jake is scared to be left here not knowing what is going to happen to him. Katherine walks Jake up to the back door and she knocks then waits for a few minutes until a man came and opened the door. The man held the door open for the two as they walked in. Just inside this room, there were four large sized crib-like beds with green mattresses in them, and the crib-like beds had locking, stainless steel bars that lowered down and locked. Jake looked harder and saw a bunch of open, wet disposable diapers and some scrunched up formerly wet cloth diapers still inside each of the crib-like beds. The man and Jake's mom walked over to a stainless steel table with a bright examination light over it and started talking about Jake and as they spoke, Jake's mom signed Jake's custody over to the man. The man also signed the papers accepting the custody and then Jake's mom told the man at the funeral parlor that she had more of his diapers, clothing, a playpen and a homemade sock monkey with a diaper on it.
Vince: Hello, my name is Vince. I....will be taking care of your mom's disposal orders that she has for you. Now....I am going to put you into this nice little stainless steel crib with a locking lid so that you won't escape until I can get time to get you and your diapers all ready to go into my nice, warm incinerator furnace.
Until that time, I...will be changing your wet diapers, and I will be keeping you very well hydrated too. You need to soak and wet as many of these diapers as you can.
Until that time, I...will be changing your wet diapers, and I will be keeping you very well hydrated too. You need to soak and wet as many of these diapers as you can.
Jake: Why...do I have to wet as many of these diapers as I can???
Vince: Well, because, that.....is how we do things around here I am afraid. When I change your wet diapers, I will be tossing them into your crib-cage with you until I am ready for you.
Jake: You mean.....that.....I.....will have to.....sleep and lay in that thing with my wet diapers?
Vince: That...is exactly what that means. Now....I don't roll the wet diapers up, I just toss them all into your crib-cage once I take them off. Most of the time, I will be changing your diapers inside the crib-cage. I don't want you wearing that onesie either. From now on.....you will get to wear only your diapers.
Jake: Are you going to make me wear my cloth diapers too?
Vince: But of course I am. I will put as many of them into your disposable diapers until they are all wet and there are no more left.
Jake: Once there are no more of my clean diapers left, what happens then?
Vince: Well......then.....I will have to get you and all of those diapers, all nice and ready to go into one of our crematorium retorts I am afraid.
Jake: WHAT....is....THAT???
Vince: That......is where we burn your body. It gets up to between 1400 to 1800 degrees in there!
Vince: Cremation of a body is carried out at a temperature ranging between 1400 to 1800 degrees Fahrenheit. The intense heat helps reduce the body to its basic elements and dried bone fragments. The process takes place in a cremation chamber, also known as a retort, of a crematory.
Jake: How long will I be here before you put my diapers and I into that....thing over there?
Vince: From the looks of it, you will be here for the next couple of weeks.
Jake: Will I be allowed to come out of this....crib-like bed cage thing?
Vince: NO, you won't. You will just have to stay in the crib-cage until it's time to go into the cremation chamber. Here, Drink this ENTIRE bottle of water for me......and then I will change your wet diaper.
Jake: (taking the bottle of water) Gulp, GULP, GULP...AHHHHHHHH! I was thirsty..... (Gasping for air and handing the now empty water bottle to Vince)
Vince: (taking the water bottle and tossing it into the trash before coming back over to change Jake's diaper) O...K.....time for a diaper change......let me get......one of your NICE...COMFY disposable diapers.......I THINK I want you to wear some of your nice, soft cloth diapers inside it too....
Jake: UUUH! I....feel...fuuuuny!
Vince: Oh...I put a Diuretic in your water.....it will make you wet more diapers. (Peeling the tapes of the wet diaper back and re-sticking them to their spots, pulling the front of Jake's diaper down and then pulling it out from underneath him, leaving him naked and laying on the cold, stainless steel of the crib-cage) with his legs dangling off the floor) O...K...NOW....Let me get you into this....NICE...DRY.....COMFY disposable diaper first...then...I'll add the cloth diapers to the front and back before I add a BUNCH of baby powder!
Jake: What will happen on my last diaper change?
Vince: Well...I will wipe you down with the baby wipes and a cloth diaper, then, I will drop the used wipes and the cloth diaper into your clean diaper and then pull it up and put it on ya. Then, it will be time to go into the crematorium with your diapers.
Jake: Am I......going in there....ALIVE?????
Vince: Yes, one way...or the other, you will still be alive....I CAN put you to sleep if you like.....but you'll still be alive......when you go in. OK, Now that you are nice and dry for the time being, it's time to close the cage door so I can go do some paperwork on your disposal.
Vince goes over to the bags holding Jake's cloth diapers, pulls out six toddler sized (Green stitched edged) cloth diapers and then brings them over to Jake where he has the disposable diaper laying open with Jake laying on it. He then begins to fold the cloth diapers at one end, slightly inwards like the first folds of the airplane fold so the diapers fit between his legs. Then he pulls the first cloth diaper up and then he repeats the process for each of the six cloth diapers in the front and center of Jake's disposable diaper. Then, Vince adds a LOT of baby powder into the cloth diapers, lifting the first layer of the first cloth diaper back some so as to get a lot of the powder in there and onto Jake before laying the diapers back down and then pulling the front of the disposable diaper up and fastening the tapes.
Vince: OK, that ought to do it. Now...isn't that nice and thick diaper....comfy? SUUUURE it is! OK...now let's swing your legs back into the cage for me...OK? GOOOD! Now, here comes your wet diaper....
Vince tosses the folded over wet disposable diaper into the cage before he swings the door closed and latches it. The stainless steel crib-like safety bed with a hinged solid top, and the foot-board and headboard are completely solid as is the back-side with only the front entry being able to be looked out of or into. (Like that of an animal cage) After about 20 minutes, Jake wets his diaper again but doesn't say anything to Vince. After another 15 minutes, Jake wets his diaper again, nearly soaking the front and middle of his first two and a half layers of cloth diapers. Once Vince completes one set of paperwork, he gets up from his desk and comes over to Jake's cage and opens the door.
Vince: time for a diaper check......OK......now....lay still for me....ok...while I do this.....
Vince inserts his index and middle fingers into the leg elastics on the right side of Jake's diaper to feel for wetness. Feeling what he thinks is a lot of wetness, he pulls Jake forcefully over closer to insert his hand down the front of his diaper to be 100% certain that Jake is wet.
Verifying that his diapers ARE wet, Vince pulls Jake's legs to the right so that they will dangle over the front edge so he can change his diaper again.
Jake: Didn't you just change my diaper?
Vince: Yes, I...did...but, as I said earlier, I am going to change you as OFTEN as possible, even if you are just a little wet so that we can try to use up ALL of your diapers before it's time to go into the crematorium.
Jake: Wait! Why are you tossing my wet diaper into the crib? NOOO! The cloth diapers are all...WET and the disposable diaper is wet too! There are powder chunks everywhere!
Vince: I don't care! This is how we do things around here! TOUGH! I don't care how you look, or how you smell or if you are wet or not when it's time to go into the crematorium! You and your diapers are going in there....like it or not....you have NO choice! Now, put your legs in there....good. I will be coming back to change you again in 45 minutes or less. here is another two bottles of water! I want both of them empty before I come back, understood?
Jake: Yes! I am hungry! Could I get something to eat please?
Vince: (Sighing) UUUUH! OH.....K! I will find you something to eat. Would some....crackers and some apple juice be ok?
Jake: Sure, that is OK.......
Vince goes out to the break room and finds some crackers and some little plastic containers full of apple juice and also finds a banana and then brings all of that back for Jake.
Vince: Here ya go. This is all that I could find. Once you are done with all that, it will be time to change your diaper again.
Jake: How come you toss my diapers in here with me like this?
Vince: So that when it comes time to load you, all of your diapers can go with you at the same time. It just makes it easier for me and the other person who is going to load you into the furnace.
Jake: Will I be awake or asleep when I get loaded into that.....thing?
Vince: Do you want to be awake or asleep?
Jake: Awake.
Vince: Um.....are...you....suuuure?
Jake: I.... don't know. For now, I want to choose to be awake.
Vince: It's going to get really, really hot and it's going to burn you and all of the diapers! Actually, the diapers will mostly melt and then burn. You are going to scream loudly and kick as you and the diapers burn. One of the last diapered ones we disposed of was awake and he screamed for nearly 7 whole minutes before going quiet!
Jake: When will my last diaper change be and will you wait till my diaper is wet before loading my diapers and I in there???
Vince: Oh yea, of course I'll wait til your diaper is wet before loading you.
Jake: Ok. When will my diapers and I get loaded?
Vince: Well, you are scheduled to be loaded on Friday 2 weeks from now and today is only Monday. I usually load bodies in the afternoon.
Jake: What if I.... don't want to be?
Vince: OH! You don't have...a choice! Not with me you don't! The director can delay your cremation, I can't! So, you will be loaded in the afternoon on Friday unless the director tells me otherwise.Are..you...done with that? Ok ...time to change your diaper again. Here, let's get you up onto my NICE autopsy table...
Vince helps Jake out of the locking crib and over to and then up onto the autopsy table.
Vince: Ok, Let me go get one of your diapers, the wipes and the baby powder. Then....I'll start your diaper change.
Vince goes and gets one of the thick, white Northshore Care Supply Overnight diapers and then the wipes and the baby powder then comes over to the autopsy table to begin changing Jake's diaper. As Vince unfastens the tapes, then pulls the front of the diaper down, Jake wonders what it is going to be like when it is time for his "disposal" or when it is time for him to go into the kiln.
Jake: How is it....going to go, when it's time for me to be taken to that....thing that gets hot?
Vince: Well, you and the diapers will be taken out of the crib, I will bring you over here to this other table where there will be a large cardboard box waiting. I will lay you down on the table next to it, then I will wrap you up in this gauze then, I will have another person and I lift you up into the box, and lay you down inside. Then, we will start loading your diapers inside the box until it's full. Then, I will seal the cardboard lid on the box and then we will put the box onto a rolling cart. Then, the box gets loaded into one of the kilns. The door closes and when you're done, we grind up your bones and scatter them ...or at least I will add them to my garden.
Vince: Well, you and the diapers will be taken out of the crib, I will bring you over here to this other table where there will be a large cardboard box waiting. I will lay you down on the table next to it, then I will wrap you up in this gauze then, I will have another person and I lift you up into the box, and lay you down inside. Then, we will start loading your diapers inside the box until it's full. Then, I will seal the cardboard lid on the box and then we will put the box onto a rolling cart. Then, the box gets loaded into one of the kilns. The door closes and when you're done, we grind up your bones and scatter them ...or at least I will add them to my garden.
Jake: Do I......have.. ...to be wrapped in gauze? When will it be time for all this to happen? How much longer will I be here?
Vince: No.....you don't have.....to be wrapped in gauze. I....can just....stick you in the box.....you will be here....4 more days.
Once Vince is done changing Jake's diaper, Vince helps Jake down from the autopsy table and then grabs the folded over wet diaper. He guides Jake over to the crib, he tosses the wet diaper into the crib with the others as he helps Jake back into the crib. Vince then raises the side and locks it before lowering the top and locking it securely. Jake lays back in the crib and waits as Vince brings Jake a tall drink bottle full of Apple juice with a mild diuretic in it, to help make wet more diapers.
Vince brings in another body and begins with the washing of it. After Vince gives the body a bath, he begins the autopsy. Once he finishes, he puts the naked body away in a storage box then locks it. He then takes his gloves off before coming over to change Jake's diaper.
Vince: Are you.....nice and soaking wet? Come here....let me look....(reaching into the waistband elastics and feeling the front of the diaper's padding in the crotch) Yep! Good. Time to change that nice wet diaper and make you......all nice and comfy.
Jake: How come.......you are now using those........diapers with that....peach looking padding in them instead of the ones my mom brought?
Vince: Well, since........you ran out......the funeral home had quite a few left over in the supply closet in a brand called "Tranquility All-Through-The-Night" diapers and there were also ten packs of Tranquility booster pads as well. I figured that I would begin using these on.....you until it's time for you to go into the nice.....cardboard burn-box.
OK.....let's get that wet diaper off you.....and I am going to put three of your nice.....soft cloth pre-fold cloth diapers into your disposable diaper as added absorbency. I have to get another body ready to be viewed soon. I won't be available to change your diaper as often. Then, I have to go home....Tom, will be in, tomorrow and he will be changing your diapers until he goes home. I called him and he said he would change your diapers while was here, when he has time.
Jake: Does......that....other guy, Tom, care if my diapers are wet....or dry?
Vince: Um.....I don't know, he just said that he would change your diapers periodically when you needed it.
We DO....have some.....leftover old Huggies diapers here, they....kind of look too small for you. I will see what I can do....to make them fit you.
Vince goes back to work and completes his tasks as he should. Afterwards, Vince goes home leaving Jake in the steel crib overnight. The next morning, Jake awakens to Tom opening the crib and unfastening the tapes of Jake's diaper.
Vince: Um.....I don't know, he just said that he would change your diapers periodically when you needed it.
We DO....have some.....leftover old Huggies diapers here, they....kind of look too small for you. I will see what I can do....to make them fit you.
Tom: Hello there. I....am Tom. I will be here until 5:30 pm. I am going to be the one diapering you all day. Would......you like anything to drink? Vince made you some.....bottles for you to drink. I have to also replace the saline bag he has hooked to you interveiniously. He said that this would make you wet diapers faster and would make you wet more. Now....Vince has instructed me to make sure that we save all of your.....wet diapers in your crib for when it's time to box you for burning. He said that he was going to be the one to box you and the diapers. You still have a few more days left before it's burning time.
Jake: I.....I....don't wanna be burned! Do......I have to be?
Tom: Yes! You....do! We will burn you and your diapers no matter what! We have a job to do! We were paid to burn you and the diapers.....and that....is exactly what we will do!
Jake: Please! Don't let them.....burn me! Please!
At least.....could I get some of my.....clean diapers to play with?
Tom: Sure! I.....don't care. They will all join you when the time comes, clean or not.
Tom brings Jake a pile of clean and wet Cloth and Disposable diapers and then opens the cage, tosses the diapers in then quickly closes the cage door.
Tom: There....have fun. I have some work to do, is there anything you need?
Jake: Yes, I want four of my baby bottles full of milk please.
Tom: Sure, I will get those for you. (Tom leaves and returns with four baby bottles full of milk. ) Here you go...drink up, these will make you wet more diapers more often.
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